They say that the thing you are scared most to do, is the thing you really need to do. So here I am. I’m sorry.
I’m honestly nervous to write this blog post. I’ve started and stopped writing it so many times over the past year, that finally I just need to finish and send it.
I owe you an apology. I very nearly “ghosted” on you by letting my blog fall so far behind in neglect, and have done a pretty poor job of emailing and blogging on the regular.
In reality, I have felt drained. I found myself asking, where is the original passion I first experienced with writing?
In being real for a moment, I want to open up a little bit about why it has been this way….
My family experienced a pretty traumatic event a couple years ago. I witnessed a crime committed by my own Father that affected our entire family. I spent a lot of time in court testifying until he was properly put away, hopefully for good.
As devastating and difficult as it was, I knew that I had to show my children how to stand up to evil and do the right thing – no matter who it is or how painful it is. It was also very difficult not being able to talk about it with people… only close friends and family knew what was really going on.
This is the first time I’ve publicly said something, though the details must still remain somewhat private.
Around this difficult time, I also experienced some other situations that left me feeling broken and taken advantage of by others. People that I believed to be dear friends lied, manipulated, and used my influence and work only to then drop me as soon as they had what they needed.
I felt broken and weak. I felt like a failure. To an extent, I felt like I had lost my value as a person.
I know that probably sounds a little dramatic, but the phrase “beating someone when they are down” comes to mind when I look back on those days.
I was down. At that point, what of value could I offer these people that follow me on my blog? It left me not knowing how to “be me” anymore.
Some of you even noticed.
I look back at some of the content I made during these last couple of years, and a lot of it just feels forced. In not being able to be vulnerable about my pain, I felt like a walking fraud….putting on a face so no one could see the truth of what was really going on.
I’m not saying any of this for a “woe is me” pity party. I’m telling you this because I recognize that I have felt inauthentic, and that has come across in my work.
Thankfully, that’s not where my story ends.
The phrase “beauty for ashes” comes to my mind. It’s not a matter of “IF” but “WHEN” trouble happens in life. We all experience it. We all go through things. It’s what we do WHEN trouble comes, that defines who we are.
From the ashes, I have risen stronger than before. I am wiser, not weak. I have not failed. I have learned.
While I’m still not fully healed, I’m better than I used to be – and that is a success to me.
If you have read all the way until this point, first of all – THANK YOU!
I want to tell you that you are beautiful. I already know that you’ve been through hard times, because that’s life, right?
But life is a lot less about what happens to us, and more about how we react to what happens. We get to decide our own actions, thoughts, and feelings.
So we rise. Rise out of the ashes into beauty.
Along with that, I want to raise up my blog, my writing, and my videos to something more than what it was before. The love I previously had for writing/vlogging was nearly gone. I was trying to hold onto something I once had loved so hard, that it was slipping from my grasp.
It’s time to renew. It’s time to decide if this is something I really desire to move forward with.
So, this is my “it’s not you, it’s me” letter. No, I’m not breaking up with my website and all my readers. This is my, “I haven’t done my best in this relationship, and want to work on us” message.
I want to find the love that we had before. Perhaps, like any other relationship, we can rekindle our romance, and once again share all things healthy and granola-ish. 🙂
I make no promises moving forward, except to say that I simply will begin the journey of renewing my love for this blog and that I will do my best to help and serve with all that I am writing/vlogging.
I’ve taken a break for a while to work on my own personal healing. Now, perhaps with some patience, I believe we can continue forward.
But I do ask one thing of you….
Please unsubscribe if you have no interest in hearing from me in regards to health and wellness topics or the occasional story/personal message from me. You will go with my blessing! 🙂
I do want to thank those of you that have been there for me through these years. Many times I received a comment, message, or an email that brought a smile to my face at a moment that I truly needed it.
For those of you that stick around, I’ll be following up with a question or two. I want to know how I can best help you with the content I will be working on over the next year.
Much love as always,